Christmas is that time of year when every man gets tested in the fields of science, geometry and ergonomics. He must suffer the example of women, usually mothers and wives, who far outclass him in these fields and prove it over an over. It is a battle of paper cuts and botched tape balls, blood, guts and glory.
Of course, I'm embellishing from my own experience. I'm sure there are women that suck at wrapping Christmas gifts and men who excel at it. I'm just thinking of how my mom can create those excellent creases with the perfect amount of tape and only succumbs to the cheating of bags and tissue when the gift absolutely calls for it, with the exception of that Christmas when my parents must've been too drunk or tired from some party and all our gifts were lumped together in one big red bag.
I have my off and on years for the quality of my wrapping. I am a manic wrappressive, as the psychristmascologists call it from their santatariums. Unlike cliniclaus depression, manic wrappression means that one year I am my mother's son in the field of festive present adornment and the next year I'd do better to let my cats handle it.
The quality of paper makes a big difference. It can be very frustrating to have a tear at the corners when making that precision fold. Overestimating the length of paper needed on one side can create bunching, which, let's admit it, just makes you look like an utter fool and earns you the scorn of your family. Seriously, you should just kill yourself.
If you have to move a piece of tape, you create unseemly white blotches, proving you got it wrong the first time. Oh god, and what do you do with a present that isn't shaped into a perfect rectangle?
Drink, cry, sleep it off and then attempt the wrapping. Use some other cardboard to change it into a box. Don't be unwilling to tape the paper onto the gift itself. It doesn't matter what the gift looks like as long as the wrapping is perfect. Be sure to leave it with flat, uncompromising surfaces. Smoothness is key.
Never use anything other than scotch tape and the closer you come to just one piece, less than a half inch in length, the better. No packaging tape, no masking tape, no electrical tape, no duct tape, no painter's tape, no elmer's glue, wood glue or modelling clay. Hairballs and skittles are also unacceptable. Trust me.
If you're giving a living gift, poke holes in the box before placing the animal inside. Either that or put some towels in there to soak up the festive red blood. Spread some holly around to create that perfect Christmas visual dynamic.
If you're giving the gift of yourself to a loved one, splayed out on the bed with a big red bow on your junky junk, don't wrap yourself, too. For one, it's hard to tape up from the inside. And if you should asphyxiate, no one wants a dead lover under the tree.
Or you could just go with bags. Lots and lots of bag with tissue paper. Just shove it in there, put some paper on top and bam, you're done. An added time-saving measure is to just stick all the presents in one bag, like my parents that one year.
Or put all the presents in the garage and draw a hasty map calling the whole thing a "treasure hunt". They'll be so thrilled with the adventure, they won't realize lipstick on a Quiktrip napkin was a last minute effort to mask your lack of concern for wasting money on some paper and tape. Cheap-o.
Or just do a gift card that only requires an envelope. Or how about cash. Or a check. Better yet, sneak their personal information and get them a credit card and then use that to buy them a present. The gift of debt that just keeps on giving.
It turns out I am much more of an expert on this than I expected, so I welcome anyone reading to take advantage of my services. Just bring your gifts by my apartment on December 25 a couple hours before I leave for my parents' house. That's when I do all my wrapping.
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