Using the Dark Side for Good

I'm thinking of getting my niece and nephews something good for Christmas this year. But not good like an Xbox 360 with shoot 'em up killer game or a Batman playset or fake My Little Pony with real fake hair you can brush and tinkle. I'm thinking good like charity good.

Yeah, I'm gonna be that kind of uncle and it fills me with a deliciously evil glee.

They're gonna start getting things that help other people or the environment and one day, hopefully, fill them not only with a sense of appreciation for my example but also with that charitable spirit themselves. I'm thinking this year it'll be a tree and I'll tell them they can go see their tree and then I'll take them to a random couple of trees and pop, bing, wow - THEY GOT A FUCKING TREE FOR CHRISTMAS. And then, when they're older, I'll tell them the truth.

I always thought I'd have my own kids to screw up, and maybe someday I will, but for now I can practice on my sister's.

I'm just tired of adding crap on top of crap on top of crap. This next toy, that thing, another game, let's play that, buy me that, ooh, I want, I want, I want. I know I wasn't any better as a kid, but, dammit, I'm the UNCLE and I have the power to influence change. I'm not the everyday guy so if they don't like me, that's okay. I can afford to be the enemy. It's my duty.

And next year it'll be underwear and socks. After that, Spam. An emergency preparedness kit, condoms (when they're older), non-alcoholic beer (older, again), a cancerous lung, Michael Moore DVD's, A People's History of the United States by Howard Zinn, a subscription to Out Magazine, NPR tote bags, hybrid cars, the keys to the universe wrapped in a rainbow delivered on a unicorn.

It's gonna be a great Christmas.