Unsettled, settling down.

With this new year, with everything I have going on, I want to make a point of writing in this blog again. Just a way of journaling, getting things out, etc. etc. Last year was a big year. My ex and I separated just after my son's, Joseph's, birthday. It was pretty treacherous at first. That first day she was either gone with the kids (in my car, the only one working) and not answering my calls or texts, or she was parked in front of the apartment, windows up and doors locked, refusing to let me talk to or interact with either of them. I did okay with that, though, because I'd been preparing myself for the worst, just like I did everyday with her, and her reactions were within the realm of my expectations.

I started living in a motel which I did for about a month and a half. About a week or so into the whole separation something terrible happened ... I exceeded the point of my preparations. I didn't know what to do next and I became lost to the currents. I've stayed there, partly, for a long time, I think. When I finally got a place to live, about a week later, I lost my job. And I stayed jobless for a long time. Sank down into depression, deeper and deeper. The worst was when I would talk to anyone for weeks at a time. Becky had to show up, a mixture of frantic worry and boiling rage, do some yelling and stir me up. After the second time that happened, I figured a couple things out:

I can't live my life the way I want to, the way I should. I have to live it for Joseph right now, and that's okay. I'll get time back later, but right now it's all for him. (Not that I'll neglect my wants or needs. I'm speaking more of the motivation.) And what came with this assertion was a refocusing. I went from acting and reacting out of concern for what would happen with Becky, would she get pissed off? Yell? Throw things?, to focusing on Joseph. It was a slow start, but I got back to myself, and better than before.

I started spending time with him, like I'd been able to. I started having him part and then half the week each week. We went swimming and to the library and other fun places. I don't feel deep remorse for what was probably necessary recovery time, but I do marvel at all the fun we could have been having had I 'gotten better' sooner. I furnished my apartment so I could decorate to the hilt for Christmas, and believe me, it is insane. Three Christmas trees, a Christmas themed shower curtain and more singing and dancing creatures than you could shake a stick at. And that's just a taste of my little wonderland. I went back to school and I've got a new and better job now, with the city.

I started dating someone recently, a great girl, and it's good and strong and I can see a future with it, but ... it's distracting. Most people would probably be able to do everything I need to and not feel like anything is suffering, but I feel distracted from Joseph. Up until a month ago, before I met her, he was the greatest joy in my life, my purpose, and now he's just a part of everything else. I miss him.

That's where I am. Had a relapse of non-communication last weekend, which did not help things, but I can only try to be better. I realize that I need to stop being scared of my ex. I lived so long that way. I may be to blame for failures in our marriage, but it does not excuse the ways she's spoken to me or treated me. I don't have to be wrong or guilty for everything. It's okay. I want everyone to have a good life and I'm driven by a desire to ensure that for Joseph. He is my son, I have taken care of him regardless of my stumbles, and just like I told him recently: I love him more than anyone. And that's damn true.

Between working and my student loan, I'm going to get back on track financially by the end of the month, which is OH MY GOD SO GREAT. My mother should feel miles better when I don't have to borrow money from her so often anymore.

I'm going to try and write and find some easy online job to make a little extra money. I don't have room for much, but I should at least be able to write and make money that way.

And it's late. Pretty good entry for the first of the new year. Hopefully it'll keep up. If you are a friend, and reading this, I love you and I hope you are well. And maybe we can hang out soon.